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"A gang of dry-humping clowns... added to the enjoyment." - London Times


The Slutcracker is a parody of Tchaikovsky's famed 1890s ballet, Casse Noisette, or The Nutcracker. We premiered in 2008. Sold-out audiences that first season literally fried Somerville Theatre's ticketing system. We performed at Theatre St. Denis in Montreal in 2010.

Our story preserves the structure of the original ballet. The main characters have simply grown-up. Clara's courtship with Fritz infuriates her BFF, Drosselmeyer, setting the stage for a transformation and awakening in the Kingdom of Sexual Sweets.

The Cavalier is played as The Dildo Prince.


Choreographer/Director Vanessa White studied as a child with a big time ballet company. She danced in their annual Nutcracker production. Too soon, however, she would be told she was too big for them to bother with.

Not fat. Just not premium-grade toothpick.

Revenge is best served cold.


The Slutcracker is offered by local artists who keep busy year-round in the Boston-area's many productions. It brings together ballet dancers, burlesque performers, hula hoopers, belly dancers, and so many others with interests in flamenco, hip hop, pole, acting, and myriad dance forms.

Our season begins with auditions in the summer. Throw in rehearsals, add glitter. Design and build costumes. Spend Thanksgiving week preparing the Somerville stage with lighting designers, sound engineers, riggers, wranglers and stage hands. Add more glitter. Dress rehearsals. Presto: it's Slutmas Time!


"Boston's Latest, Greatest Holiday Tradition" - Boston Magazine